Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire, the aroma of honey-glazed ham swirls through the air and, just when everything seems perfect, that uncle you always avoid says something problematic, whether it be complaints about this year’s election, weird “observations” about your physique or misogynistic “jokes.” As uncomfortable as it may be to confront family members who make inappropriate or triggering comments, staying silent while brewing in disrespect is no better. That’s why it’s important to set boundaries. Easier said than done, right?

As someone who has experienced homophobia from drunk family friends, fat jokes from my grandmother and tension between left and right-leaning sides of the family, I’ve got your back with some tips for setting boundaries with family during holiday gatherings along with grounding skills for when something triggers you. 

Communicate Beforehand

Something my family has started doing is texting/calling each other beforehand to address what topics are off the table; politics is the main one, unsurprisingly. Given this year’s election has also brought intense emotions, tension may rise between family members who have extremely different views on social issues. 

Don’t be afraid to message family members, even via a group chat, setting the stage for the vibes you want during the holiday gathering.

Here’s an example: 

Hi everyone, looking forward to seeing everyone this weekend! I want our holiday gathering to be a time to reconnect with one another, since we haven’t seen each other in a bit. Please be mindful and avoid conversational topics that can make others uncomfortable, like politics. Thank you for understanding and see you this Sunday!

When you send a text like this, be sure to sound assertive. Tell, don’t ask. Instead of, “I’m kindly asking that you…”, just say, “please do xyz…”. That way, you’re being firm in setting this boundary to others. Asking for a boundary allows room for dismissal. Boundaries are set, not proposed. 

Practice Speaking Up For Yourself 

As diligent as you can be in communicating your needs and boundaries before family gatherings, things are bound to happen. A family member might tell you that you look like you’ve gained weight, others might criticize the way you do your makeup or they might badger you about finding a girlfriend/boyfriend. 

As uncomfortable as confronting these comments head-on can be, it’s important to advocate for yourself. Practice a general response for when someone says something offensive or uncomfortable to you at a family gathering. 

Here are some examples of how to respond in the moment to rude comments. 

“This comment isn’t something I’m comfortable with. My weight/sexuality/romantic life is a private matter I’d rather not discuss. Let’s talk about something positive and respectful.” 

Feel free to take a minute to cool down by yourself too rather than entertaining the conversation further. Simply say, “I need some time to cool down and do not want to continue this conversation.” 

As silly as it sounds, you can practice saying these phrases to yourself in the mirror. I used to do this, building up my assertiveness until I felt more confident and prepared to address confrontations that may occur. 

Grounding Skills 

If you decide to take some time alone to cool down, find a quiet space. A lot of times, triggering comments can induce panic attacks, which can feel like you’re drowning in feelings, otherwise known as “emotional flooding.”

There are lots of grounding techniques you can use to help bring yourself back to Earth. The first one is called TIPP, and it’s a dialectical behavioral technique often used by therapists to help people prone to anxiety regulate their emotions in times of unforeseen distress. 

TIPP stands for temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. For temperature, try holding an ice cube, focusing on the cool tough and sensations rather than your brewing thoughts. Intense exercise is exactly what it sounds like. If you like physical movement and working out, you can do some quick push-ups or sit-ups to stop your body from trembling and control your muscles. 

Paced breathing is simple and a good go-to. Breathe in for four seconds and out for another four. I like to close my eyes when I do this. For muscle relaxation, tense a part of your body and slowly release. You can clench your fist, suck your abdomen in or stretch out your calf, even incorporating some meditation and yoga depending on the space you’re in. 

My favorite grounding skill involves the five senses. It’s simple and easy to remember, helping you focus on what’s around you rather than what you’re feeling inside. Start by identifying five things you see around you, whether that be a picture frame, light switch or vase. Then, think of four things you can touch, like a blanket, table top or pillow. 

Next, three things you hear, like muffled voices outside or Christmas music. I’m sure you can see where this is going, so pick out two things you can smell like your aunt’s signature ham or Christmas-scented candles. Lastly, one thing you can taste; if you don’t taste anything, treat yourself to a piece of chocolate or a snack.

Confide In Someone

Text your best friend or call over a family member you trust and express how you feel to them. It’s always good to have a shoulder to cry or, in my case, rant on. Sometimes you end up bonding with people you didn’t expect to. 

For example, I was at a gathering once where some family friends were drunkenly expressing homophobic sentiments. I quietly slipped away and another family friend pulled me outside for some fresh air, held my hands and validated my feelings. She revealed to me that she has dated a woman once and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of being queer. She cursed up a storm criticizing the closed-mindedness of those family friends and we laughed about it. She’s my favorite aunt now and the experience brought me closer to her. 

Hopefully, you have family members you can confide in too, and if not, confide in a journal and rant about how you feel. It’s such a helpful outlet and when you’re done, rip the piece of paper out, crumple it up and toss it out. It symbolizes the autonomy you have to choose to throw away your negative feelings and not let that hurtful comment ruin your holiday season. 

After all, the holidays should be a time of reconnecting with loved ones, re-charging from the end of school and, of course, baking the best desserts. So, keep your winter break sweet and prioritize your mental health and distress tolerance skills. For more mental health resources in dealing with the winter blues and seasonal affective disorder, know that you aren’t alone, and the N’Crew has got your back. Check out our article on seasonal affective disorder for more information on maintaining mental wellness during the holidays.