As someone who struggles with anxiety, I was frustrated with the constant dysregulation of my nervous system. As a result, I was inspired to take an emotional intelligence class to gain some insight into emotional regulation. Here are some key highlights gained from my emotional intelligence class.
I took the “Own Thy Shift” EQ course by Blue Telusma, a writer, emotional intelligence coach, spiritualist, and pop culture commentator. She has been conducting emotional intelligence courses for over two decades. She initially offered them at the Harvard School of Public Health and eventually made them accessible to the public.
Based on the class, emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient (EQ), is defined as the ability to manage your own emotions while also understanding the emotions of others around you.
Form a Healthy Ego
At the beginning of my spiritual journey, I believed that the ego must die to become the healthiest expression of myself. Over time, I learned that we cannot exist without the ego, since it is a primal aspect of the human experience. While the emotional intelligence class promoted ego death, Telusma emphasized the importance of cultivating a healthy ego rather than killing it.
The emotional intelligence class defined Ego death as the killing of subjective truths about yourself while creating room for objective truth. It is the version that kept you alive to survive the traumas that you experienced. The ego wants to preserve what is unsafe since it cares more about optics than operating from the heart space. You can honor this version of yourself and acknowledge that it no longer serves you as you move towards a healthy ego.
Learning about your attachment style is a helpful step towards unpacking your triggers and traumas. The emotional intelligence class highlighted that a person who triggers you isn’t always bad—they are just revealing something unhealed within you. It is important to know your triggers so you can soothe and self-regulate instead of projecting onto others.
Keeping a balanced and healthy ego involves embracing child-like energy that is carefree and uncompromised. I am learning to embody this by questioning: “What would my inner child do?” “Who am I outside of the societal indoctrination that was spoon-fed to me?” This process helps me extend empathy by understanding that people often operate from the socialized version of their belief systems. However, extending empathy is not a reasonable excuse for toxic behavior.
Myth of Being Too Nice/Caring
Another key takeaway I gained from the emotional intelligence class is the myth of being too caring. As someone who considers herself an empath, I used to believe that some people didn’t have the capacity to care as much as I did. The class taught me that I was actually a self-righteous over-giver. In reality, I was just a coward who was uncomfortable setting boundaries due to not valuing myself.
This realization helped me release guilt about putting my well-being first. Instead of being selfish, I am choosing to be self-full, which means having an overflowing cup before pouring into others. As the emotional intelligence coach, Telusma said, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
While it can be hard to set boundaries, especially if the practice was never modeled to you, it is a necessary skill to cultivate. I am letting go of the fear that comes with communicating boundaries because while it feels good to be nice, it shouldn’t come at my expense. Prioritizing other people’s feelings while swallowing my own is disingenuous and will only lead to resentment. Since I am a reflection of what I entertain, I am working on exercising empathy while also maintaining my integrity.
Avoid Time Traveling
As an anxious person, the biggest takeaway from my emotional intelligence class was that anxiety is time-traveling into the future. I learned that worrying is a waste of time and energy, especially if those worries don’t come to pass. But if they do come to pass, then what’s the point of worrying about them twice? As the popular saying goes, “Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you.”
I also learned that overthinking is under feeling. This can show up as intellectualizing or analyzing your emotions instead of actually feeling them. It is a defense tactic often rooted in unhealed traumatic experiences. I realized that sometimes I don’t know how to be honest with my own emotions, even though I have the capacity to hold space for other people’s feelings. It raises the important question Telusma asked: “Am I scared of how I will treat myself if I fail?”
Since the mind is powerful, your body will absorb whatever you feed it. This is why anxiety can show up in your body through panic attacks—because your body believes it is under attack. Instead of time traveling, the emotional intelligence class encouraged staying in the present moment, where you are actually safe. Focus on the things that can ground you back into your body—whether it’s your breath, a specific scent, a song, or hugging yourself.
Throughout this process of emotional regulation, I am intentional about giving myself grace. I am not judging my ego, which didn’t know any better due to a lack of emotional tools. However, I understand that it is my responsibility to do better now that I am gaining the tools.
Disclaimer: An Emotional Intelligence course is not a replacement for therapy. Please seek mental health services from a professional if needed.
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