Have you ever caught yourself apologizing for something that didn’t warrant an apology, like prefacing a comment in a meeting with “sorry”? This is an intrinsic speaking habit that many women identify with. Often done subconsciously, unnecessarily apologizing is a way of being more agreeable and gentle, which we are conditioned to do from a young age. A “woman’s role” is to be supportive, and many women are deemed “unlikeable” for simply being assertive.
It’s a tough balance, isn’t it? You want to be taken seriously, but it’s not good to seem too serious. You have ideas you’d like to share, but be careful, or you’ll be seen as overbearing. You want to set a simple boundary, but the last thing you want is to be labeled aggressive. No wonder so many of us say sorry all the time!
It makes sense to look at saying sorry as a necessary safety mechanism in situations where speaking out feels like swimming against the tide. Over apologizing can manifest in almost any social interaction. Maybe you’re in a meeting and raise your hand and preface your question with a sorry. Maybe you’re at the grocery store and apologize when someone reaches for the same item as you do. Or maybe you’re feeling sad, angry, or uncomfortable – and apologize for expressing your authentic feelings or needs.
Since it’s so ingrained in many of us, we may not even process consciously how exhausting it is to be apologetic for every aspect of our existence. Over apologizing can unwittingly make self-esteem dwindle over time. The social conditioning to not take up space and always accommodate others first inadvertently teaches us that our contributions are an intrusion, not an asset. And that’s a load of misogynistic BS.
You have ideas. You have feelings. You have needs. Fighting the habit of saying sorry all the time and embracing your right to take up space isn’t easy. To be honest, it’ll probably feel unnatural and uncomfortable, and that’s okay! Breaking a habit means being conscious of your behavior, and we’re not used to that, especially after being on autopilot for so long.
It is possible, though. To help you along the way, here are a few tips to own your presence and stop over apologizing.
Find a Replacement
Instead of starting your sentence with “I’m sorry”, you can try rephrasing your thoughts with a replacement word or phrase, such as “thank you” or “excuse me”. For example:
“I’m sorry for speaking for so long.” → “Thanks for listening.”
“Sorry for bothering you” → “Is now a good time?”
“I’m so sorry, but I have to take this call.” → “Excuse me, I have to take this call.”
Daily Affirmations
Being unapologetic takes self-confidence. Confidence is a muscle you can build, not something that you just have. To build that muscle, consider doing daily affirmations. You could say them out loud to your reflection while you get ready in the morning, or you could scribble them down in a journal — whatever feels most comfortable to you. These affirmations can be anything, but here are some examples to get you started:
“I am worthy of being heard.”
“My ideas are valuable.”
“My feelings are valid.”
“I can do this.”
“I deserve to take up space.”
Journaling
Along with daily affirmations, journaling can be a great medium to practice self-reflection and notice patterns in your thinking. Over apologizing can sometimes be a symptom of things other than gender roles, such as self-esteem or perfectionism. Identifying your own tendencies can be a great starting point to unpack them. You can also write about the positives. What do you love about yourself?
Make it a Social Practice
If you feel comfortable, consider talking with some friends about over apologizing. Chances are, they do it too! A friend group is a safe space to practice real-time correcting. If you hear a friend saying sorry unnecessarily, call her on it, and vice versa.
Self Compassion
Like any habit, overcoming over apologizing takes practice. You’ll start to catch yourself doing it, but don’t beat yourself up. Remember, you’re trying to unlearn a lifelong behavior that is deeply instilled in society. It’s going to take time, and that’s okay.
It takes a lot of practice, but breaking the habit of over apologizing is a form of empowerment. You deserve to take up space. Period.
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