You would only make somebody tea if they agreed that they wanted it. If you invited someone over for tea, you wouldn’t force them to drink it even if you made it for them. You certainly wouldn’t pour tea down the throat of someone who passed out or otherwise couldn’t tell you whether or not they wanted it.
This metaphor is simple, and you’ve probably heard it before. When teaching people how to respect sexual boundaries, it makes sense to start with the cut and dry. This is not incorrect, in fact I think it’s the best place to begin. However, talking about how we explore and anticipate partnered sexual situations comes with a little more nuance.
The Enthusiastic Yes
There are always lots of jitters when it comes to a first sexual encounter with a partner. Where will the boundaries be? How will I know when I crossed them? This is why it’s best to start low and slow: make every new move a conversation.
However, this does not mean that you have to spend the whole time in deep discussion. That’s probably not what we came for; we came to have fun! Looping your partner in on how you’re feeling can be sexy, but what’s crucial is that it’s honest. Whether you prefer to let natural cues do the talking, or communicate in a detailed dialogue-make sure you make your preferences clear from the jump as much as possible.
When the vibes are going, the vibes are going. You may stop talking about what’s next because you’re caught in the moment. Super natural and chill. The minute it’s not chill: crossed boundaries, changed minds, awkward gut feelings? Get out of there! You are in complete control, and if your boundaries aren’t being respected, then your bedroom friend has got to go.
The Hard No
The most important aspect of consent is that it’s fluid and ever-changing. Consent for one specific activity in one specific moment does not imply consent for anything else. If someone agreed to tea they don’t have to take lemon in it or honey, nor do they have to drink the tea at all. Just because you’ve had tea with someone before, does not mean that you’re obligated to do so again.
The same is true in a relationship, and a violation of boundaries is just as serious, be it talking, dating, or married. Because marital rape was not recognized in the U.S. until 1993, this is a topic past generations have disagreed on. However, contemporary perspectives such as my own honor the experiences of those who had those injustices against them.
Just because my man is mine does not change the strength of my boundaries. Sure, we may become more comfortable with each other and open to different things, but that does not give me any less agency in my body. If anything, a committed partner should enable you to express your honest feelings more assertively. No matter their past behavior or how you feel about them as a person, anyone who makes you feel bad for self-advocating can have their tea by themselves instead.
Although the solution to a bad partner is normal kicking them to the curb, that does not mean that you are responsible for their actions during your time together. Sex is a major learning curve, something that porn culture doesn’t teach you. Sometimes you’ll try something that makes you uncomfortable, or that you’ll regret later. It’s a terrible feeling, but it’s part of learning who you are sexually. Something that teaches you about yourself is never something to regret.
The Gray Areas
You should take ample time to get to know your partner: your shared boundaries, each others preferences, and the level of trust you can hold that these boundaries will be respected. After the learning phase is where the real fun begins; now you get to begin exploring uncharted territory. With a committed relationship or recurring sexual partner, you can try things you’ve always fantasized about or things you never even thought of.
Experimentation, however, means also experimenting with boundaries. This is something you have to be sure both you and your partner are ready for in order to have a good time together. There will be things that you won’t know how you feel about until you do them. In a safe and communicative situation, this can be okay. It’s okay to say “I’m open to trying this until I say otherwise,” or, “I’m open to this aspect but not this one.” Consent is specific and personal, which allows for nuance while exploring in comfortable situations.
I’d like to reiterate that in a new sexual dynamic, it’s safest to keep consent very simple, and to explore at a comfortable pace for everyone involved. However, I think it’s important to remember that consent can be sexy, and it doesn’t just mean that you’re pumping the brakes. Instead, it’s a necessary tool to have fun as you have all the experiences you want to.
N’Crowd: Share your experiences! Email me at marleyh@justnlife.com to suggest the next spicy topic to cover for Hot Girl Summer.
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