If you’re unfamiliar with the term “trad wife,” you probably haven’t scrolled through your FYP in a while. The latest TikTok term “trad wife” was largely popularized by the commentary on popular stay at home wife/mom TikTok creators. The term has been getting a lot of attention on the app after controversy stirred over Hannah Neeleman, better known as Ballerina Farm, for her traditional home-maker lifestyle.
“Trad Wife” refers to a wife who is not only a mother and homemaker, but fulfills the traditional roles of a family matriarch. TikTok’s biggest examples show women who serve their husband and children, affirming traditional gender and marital roles.
Neeleman, a pageant Queen, former Julliard ballerina and now influencer, became pregnant by her now-husband Daniel during her undergraduate. The influencer married him just three months after their first date. The couple now has eight children and raises them on a Utah farm chalk with cows and meals made from scratch.
Viewers on TikTok are growing concerned over Neeleman’s wellbeing, and whether or not she is being controlled by her husband. Lamenting on Neeleman’s ballerina career being ended, and her seemingly endless amount of work, fans have taken to TikTok to investigate into the Neeleman’s lives further. Popular TikToks and edits have arisen in response to Ballerina Farm’s content, framing her as a woman trapped in an unhappy marriage, unable to fulfill her own dreams.
One video in particular has sparked controversy, in which Neeleman was given an egg apron for her birthday. To others, this seemed like a rather measly gift, especially since the influencer wondered aloud if the present was tickets to Greece.
Other controversy stirred when Neeleman’s husband allegedly did not allow Neeleman to build an in-home ballet studio to dance on their farm, and instead converted the additional space to a schoolroom for their eight children.
Neeleman has said she doesn’t feel connected to the term “trad wife,” though her videos don’t necessarily agree with that sentiment. Neeleman appears to be an extremely traditional wife, making meals from scratch, milking cows, and much more. Neeleman took to TikTok to respond to the controversy and the Sunday Times article that sparked it.
The Sunday Times profile took a look into Neeleman’s life with her husband and children, and explored what Neeleman thought about her role as a wife and mother. Despite Neeleman saying within the article that her and her husband are both head of household and have equal footing, The Times still suggested that Neeleman was being controlled by her husband.
She said that the article portrayed her as oppressed by her husband, but she irrevocably denied that. Neeleman said within her TikTok response that she loved being a “mother, wife, a businesswoman, farmer, a lover of Jesus,” and, she added, “making meals from scratch.”
There is no way that TikTok viewers can truly judge Neeleman’s life or relationship from an outside perspective. However, the criticism for the influencer is not fully unwarranted. Glamorizing this type of lifestyle, especially when women have fought to break free of it, can be harmful. Especially since Neeleman said that her content and lifestyle is following what “God wants.” This sentiment may cause young, impressionable or religious women to believe that this is the only way to appease God.
The core idea of feminism is that women should have a choice in how they want to live, whether that be to pursue a degree and career, or become a stay-at-home wife and mother, or anything else they may desire. However, depicting stay at home mom life like it is full of prairies and veggie-picking just isn’t the reality for most mothers. Staying at home with eight children, or even one, is not an easy task.
Other creators, like Nara Smith, have been similarly criticized for depicting stay at home life in this way. Ultimately, most stay at home moms don’t have the time or ability to make sunscreen, bubblegum, or even Coca-Cola completely from scratch, or make their mom-life into a pseudo fairytale full of milkmaid dresses and blissful domesticity. To be fair, Smith herself does have a full-time career as a model, so she doesn’t necessarily fit the “trad wife” mold. As well, a lot of her content appears to be satirical.
The glamorization and idealistic portrayal of homemaking by “trad wife” creators changes the norms for mothers everywhere-and holds them to some utopian standard that is almost impossible to reach.
Since viewers cannot truly say whether these mothers are doing this by choice or not, maybe the focus instead should be on giving platforms to stay at home mothers who do everything for their children-but still live normal lives, with struggles, crying kids, and sometimes even messy houses. Being responsible for children and homemaking doesn’t always equate to living in some dream-scenario bubble on a beautiful farm like Neeleman, or in a million-dollar house like Smith. Often, it comes with unique struggles, and moms who are over-tired and overworked.
These creators’ choice to home-make should be empowered by other women on TikTok, not slammed or immediately assumed to be an oppressive marital situation. However, they also should not be looked to as the number one example of what typical motherhood or homemaking looks like.
Often, the “trad wives” on TikTok live with means and support that are not attainable for most mothers. Rather than focusing and giving a platform to people who live this idealistic life, maybe it’s time to show some love to mothers who do everything for their families, even when it’s not glamorous.
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