After this particularly contentious election cycle, numbers of people are sharing online how their political disagreements with their partner have led to a breakup or divorce. America is in a divisive time, and recently people have revealed that their relationships perished due to differing values that were highlighted by political views.
Most would agree that it’s not sustainable to get in a relationship where the core values of each partner are misaligned— so, how did we get here? Why would anyone date or marry someone with whom they don’t share fundamental morals?
Lack of experience
Finding your person comes with a lot of trial and error. Everyone wants to be in the small, lucky majority of people who marry their first partner, but it’s much more likely that you’ll have multiple relationships before settling down for good. This is completely natural and healthy— heartbreak sucks, but it also teaches us what exactly we want and don’t want in a partner. If you haven’t dated other people, you may be more likely to stay with someone who has different values, because it’s harder to let go.
“I can change them.”
Another common pitfall people fall into is going into a relationship with intentions to eventually change their partner. It makes sense— you meet someone super cool, your chemistry is great, and your connection is so strong that it’s tempting to overlook a major incompatibility. When you’re head over heels with someone, you want to do everything in your power to make it work— and some people have the unrealistic expectation that they can mold their significant other into their ideal partner.
Taboo conversations
Despite these conversations being critical to assess compatibility, there’s a prevalent cultural understanding that it’s impolite to talk about politics, religion, or sex— especially on the first date. There’s an expectation for some that these topics should be discussed in private, or even avoided, due to potential disagreements. It’s much more convenient to agree to disagree–and when the disagreements become unavoidable, people are already invested in the relationship which makes it harder to call it quits.
Heterosexual societal pressures
Heterosexual gender norms may also come into play. Women are taught to be nice from a very young age, and the paradigm of the ideal girlfriend includes being feminine, nice, and cooperative. Not pushing back or challenging a man is a gendered norm for women, and it’s hard to shake years of cultural molding. As social progress continues, many women are experiencing tension between seeking agency and adhering to dominant cis/het expectations. Scholars have found that even in the modern social sphere, there are still strong expectations for young women to sacrifice some elements of themselves, such as their voice or needs, to remain partnered.
Love conquers all
We’re fed the idea that love conquers all. From childhood, we consume media like Beauty and the Beast that has the narrative of, “if you just love them enough, it will all work out.” With this in the back of your mind, you try to stick it out a little longer. The belief that incompatible values ending a relationship means that your love isn’t strong enough is a false dichotomy; breakups aren’t necessarily a sign of falling out of love–sometimes people are just fundamentally different.
Sunk cost fallacy
The sunk cost fallacy is our tendency to hold onto something that we’ve already invested time and resources in. If you’ve already invested mentally in a relationship, it’s harder to act upon dealbreakers that pop up, because it feels like a waste to walk away.
The breaking point
It’s easy to agree to disagree when having philosophical, removed conversations about morality. When a couple hasn’t experienced a moral disagreement in their lives, incompatibilities in values are more abstract and easier pushed to the side. For example, if one partner is less family oriented than the other, it may not be seen as a pertinent dealbreaker until it comes to actually dealing with inlaws, having children, and prioritizing schedules.
Listen— if there’s a special someone you have your eyes on, lay your cards on the table before getting into something serious. It’s a lot easier to suss out dealbreakers up front. Everyone has things that are important to them, and being open about your non-negotiables will save you a lot of heartache if your romantic interest is not on the same page. There’s someone out there who shares your values and wants, so don’t settle for a relationship that doesn’t embody your values.
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