The recent Love is Blind reunion was a fitting end to a chaotic 7th season–it was messy, confusing, and outraged many viewers. Aside from bringing on old cast members from season one that nobody remembers, focusing more on past participants’ kids than Tyler’s caginess around his children, and corny jokes from the Lacheys, one thing stood out: Hannah’s lack of accountability for her treatment of Nick.
Just a reminder before we dive in: Hannah, Nick, and all cast members are real people. Reality TV cuts out context to paint people a certain way. In discussions of Hannah and Nick’s relationship, we are going solely off of what is portrayed in the final cut. This is meant to spark a larger conversation around the pervasiveness of abusive relationships rather than fuel hate for specific people.
What is emotional abuse?
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you.” Some examples of how emotional abuse occurs in relationships include manipulation, insults, excessive jealousy, humiliation, and dismissiveness.
The lack of awareness around emotional abuse, compounded by gender roles, has enabled Hannah to dismiss her behavior (with little pushback) at the reunion. Hannah has definitely been considered one of the main “villains” of season 7, but she was able to flip the narrative upon being questioned about it.
Hannah chalked her constant berating and put-downs up to her just being “direct”. She admitted her words might come off as harsh at times, but an acknowledgement is not the same as an apology. Nick even partially defended her and went along with her assessment of their relationship. Instead of being gracious towards Nick, Hannah capitalized on his support to go on and accused him of only going on the show for clout and calling her a “grenade” behind her back.
Insulting someone is never cool, but what Nick said compared to Hannah’s constant degrading to his face and to the camera is like comparing apples to oranges. And let’s be honest–to some degree, everyone who goes on a reality show to find love is there, at least a little bit, for fame after the show. If they are truly 100% focused on finding the one, they would get a matchmaker to set them up on a blind date that isn’t broadcast to the world.
Despite this, Hannah actually received support from other cast members, especially Marissa, who also singled Nick out at the reunion. Part of emotional abuse is flipping the narrative or exaggerating details to make the situation look completely different, and Hannah pretty much got away with that at the reunion–even though it followed a season that highlighted many instances of emotional abuse.
Hot and cold treatment
A common misconception is that emotionally abusive relationships consist solely of mistreatment. If that were the case, the abuser would be quickly uncovered and would be unable to keep a partner around. In reality, abusers tend to flip between building their victim up to devaluing them. This leads the victim to second guess the abuse that had happened, and hook them in with the reward of being treated like a human being. Hannah would often end her insults and mockery by saying that she really does love Nick and just wants him to grow.
Projection
The mark of an emotional abuser is extreme insecurity. From the start of the show, Hannah is open about being hyper-focused on her body and social status. She both wants to be loved for who she is but also cares about her partner’s appearance. When they were in the pods, Hannah pictured Nick to be a suave, muscular jock, but when she saw him in real life she expressed resentment towards feeling lied to about his looks. Rooted in her own insecurity of their height difference, Hannah took every opportunity to emasculate Nick, making him feel small so that she could feel empowered.
Additionally, her insecurities led her to the, “I don’t want you to hurt me so I’m going to hurt you first” mindset. Hannah would mistreat Nick to the point of him asking her about it, but then justified her abusive behavior as a preemptive strike in self-defense.
Humiliation
No matter what it was for, Nick was always being put down. Whether he was goofing around and racing a woman on a duck, trying to participate in chores, or even expressing his genuine feelings, he was met with disdain from Hannah. Her sense of superiority over him was made very clear, to the point where Hannah was snapping her fingers at him and shushing him. She constantly spoke about how incompetent he was–both to his face and behind his back–to build herself up.
If you don’t feel like your partner matches your maturity, that’s fine–leave them. What’s not okay, though, is staying in a relationship with someone only to hold resentment toward them. Hannah didn’t need to crush Nick’s spirit in the name of “just being honest.”
Isolation/warping the narrative
A common tactic that abusers use is isolating the victim from everyone in order to exert more control. When Hannah met Nick’s family, for example, she acted completely different. She was kind, attentive, and spoke positively about him to his parents, which left a great impression. By gaining the approval of people around them, especially Nick’s own family, she could make it less easy for people to understand the cruelty she inflicted in private. Hannah gained control of the narrative so that she could later paint him as the bad guy, like she did at the reunion.
Emotional abusers don’t limit their manipulation to people outside of the relationship. Hannah also did her best to manipulate Nick’s own perception of reality, like when she left a list of grievances out for him to find that included him being delusional.
Contempt
Other than being direct, the main way that Hannah justifies her behavior toward Nick is by saying that she’s just trying to give him constructive criticism. To see what actual constructive criticism looks like, let’s compare Hannah’s words to the conversation Nick had with Katie (a woman he had dated in the pods). When Katie explains to Nick why she didn’t move on with their relationship, she talks about how he’s a beautiful deep person and he should lead with that instead of superficial charm. Katie doesn’t even love him but manages to deliver true constructive criticism, while Hannah’s feedback toward Nick shows contempt–which is criticism that is delivered with disgust and is meant to demean a person.
These patterns matter
If you recognize similar behaviors in a loved one’s or your own relationship, know that you are valid in your experiences. Emotional abuse can be so hard to recognize because of the manipulation that comes with it. While it’s true that hurt people hurt people, you don’t owe someone who mistreats you anything. You are worthy of love and respect.
What's Your Reaction?
