For busy moms, homemakers or women who simply like to keep up with household cleaning or grocery shopping, getting your man to contribute his fair share of work can be frustrating. Even more frustrating is when he offers to “help” but expects you to organize a list of chores for him to do as if he’s your child with a weekly allowance. While this system may work for some couples, it’s time to debunk the idea that women are responsible for the mental work behind chore lists.
As of 2023, American wives whose incomes are roughly the same as their husbands still do more housework and caregiving. They spend 4.6 hours a week on housework while their man spends 1.9 hours a week; these women also spend two more hours a week taking care of the kids.
When women are the primary bread winners, chore division is still extremely unequal, with wives spending 7.3 hours a week on housework and 9.4 hours a week on caregiving compared to 1.4 and 4.4 hours for husbands.
When women are the primary bread winners, chore division is still extremely unequal, with wives spending 7.3 hours a week on housework and 9.4 hours a week on caregiving compared to 1.4 and 4.4 hours for husbands.
Most eye-rolling is that when women are the sole breadwinner, they spend the same amount of time on household duties as their husbands. That’s right, not less time, but the same amount of time. It seems they can’t catch a break.
“Just give me a list of stuff you want me to do,” men will say to their partners. In fact, some have tweeted on X that this is the way healthy communication surrounding chores should look like.
Self-described “husband and #1 Dad” Tyler Todt posted a tweet on X claiming, “Most of us men really want to help but don’t know how.” He then suggested women make explicit chore lists and encouraged men to ask their significant others, “What can I take off your plate today?”
In response to his tweet, Threads user ask_aubry responded, “Pro tip: your wife is not your project manager. Plan things together instead of expecting her to do the entire mental labor.”
Post by @ask_aubryView on Threads
As well intentioned as Todt’s ideas may have been, ask_aubry is absolutely correct. There’s nothing wrong with women who like making chore lists for their husbands. The problem is the expectation that she is obligated to do so simply because her man is too oblivious to be proactive with household chores.
On a cognitive level, women should give themselves the grace to reframe their approach to chores. There are TikTok videos where women laugh off their husband’s lack of proactiveness and Reddit threads asking, “What is the best way to remind or ask a husband to do a chore without sounding judgmental or nagging?”
Such social media discourse also perpetuates the idea that men are “helping” out their partners by doing responsibilities they equally share. Ladies—having your man take care of something on your chore list is not a favor and crazy request. You don’t sound like you’re nagging.
In other words, men need to step up on their own volition and take on equal responsibility of the “mental load” that falls on women’s shoulders. It’s an actual term that describes the stress of organizing things like chore lists and figuring out what needs to be done around the house.
But what does it a balanced division of chores look like?
@alexisssnovoa Team work baybee!! How we split responsibilities as full time working parents #workingparents #workfromhomeparents #wfhparents #workingmom #workingdad #householdchores #splittingresponsibilities #parentsoftiktok #momsoftiktok #wfhsahmom #wfhmom #wfhdad
♬ original sound – alexis novoa
It’s different for each couple. TikTok user Alexis Novoaa shared that she and her husband (who both work full-time and have children) split chore duties. They switch dropping their kids off at school during the week. He does the cooking; she cleans around the house. He does outside chores, and she does laundry for the kids. He is responsible for his own laundry and clothes.
Another user shared how she and her partner (both working full time) split up their chores with no kids and two cats. She loves cooking and meal planning, so he cleans the kitchen after meals. She enjoys making their bed and washing the sheets, so he vacuums. The cats get fed by her while he changes the litterbox. It’s balanced.
One stay at home mom emphasized the importance of caregiving between her husband and their children. Though he works full time, when he arrives home, he bonds with their children during bath and play time while she gets dinner ready. In her TikTok video, she says, “We are a team. We work together.”
For my boyfriend and I, household chores aren’t a big deal because we don’t live together, though sometimes I’ll spend a week at his place. During these extended periods of time, I’ll happily do the grocery shopping because I like it. He puts the laundry in the machine and lugs it up and down the stairs because I hate doing that. We fold it together and have a silly conversation. Sometimes he cooks, sometimes I do, and whoever isn’t cooking does the dishes.
I also don’t have to tell him to do chores. He’s a big boy. If he cares where his next meal comes from, he’ll keep an eye out on the fridge and get groceries or let me know if there’s something he wants. If the bedroom is messy, he’ll tidy up. He has no expectation for me to hand him a chore list because he knows he is equally responsible for them.
Whether you’re in your mid 40s or early 20s, you deserve to have a proactive partner, ladies. Don’t forget that and don’t be scared to communicate to your man that you’d like him to be more proactive and help alleviate your “mental load.” Men, think about the implications behind phrases like “taking things off her plate.” It’s not just her plate, it’s both of your plates. After all, she’s your equal, not your boss. And you are certainly not a clueless intern on the first day of the job.
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