A recent article by The Daily Mail reported that Simone Biles’ birth mom, Shannon, is interested in reconnecting with her daughter despite being absent from her life since childhood. The story led to online discussion about estranged parent-child relationships, and how the expectation is often on the child to reach out to the no-contact or absent parent. Going no-contact with a parent is already a difficult decision for any child due to the normative culture of honoring and respecting our parents. As a result, we may feel obligated to give our parents the benefit of the doubt, but at what cost? If you’ve decided to go no-contact with a parent, here are a few tips on how to navigate the realities of this parental relationship.
Honor Your Choice
We have been conditioned to respect our parents from infancy and we are often told to not question their decisions. This can lead children to be quiet, not speak up for themselves, and accept abuse from parental figures. Parents are human beings who are capable of mistakes, but because of our conditioning, we are sometimes unable to recognize how their harmful behavior can impact us. As time progresses and children are old enough to recognize these toxic behaviors, it becomes harder for the parent to control the child. This dynamic can result in a child choosing to have a no-contact parental relationship, which is often seen as taboo because children are expected to give their parents grace.
It is important to remember that children do not want to have a no-contact parental relationship — they are often forced into that circumstance. It is important to honor that decision, especially when your mental health is at stake. It is also important to remember that due to the power dynamic between a parent and a child, the relationship will never be equal. Learning to release the shame and honoring your decision is an important step to accepting the absent relationship with your parent.
Heal Your Inner Child
Your inner child is an instrumental part of yourself that most likely influenced your decision to have a no-contact parental relationship. When growing up in a toxic household, it is possible to normalize and even become numb to domestic abuse. It is hard to accept that our parents can be our first bullies in this world. This is why it is important to begin your inner child healing journey once you are away from toxicity and have a clear head space to explore your childhood traumas. A great way to connect with your inner child and honor their pain is by reparenting yourself in ways you would have wanted but never received.
Through reparenting yourself, you will learn to humanize your parents which will allow you to empathize with them. This process reminds us that our parents had no parenting guidebook, but they too were doing their best to parent while navigating their traumas. Unless they took the time to unlearn their toxic childhood upbringing, they are most likely to repeat the same mistakes when raising us. While it is important to honor that they tried their best despite their limited knowledge of healthy parenting, it is also important to acknowledge when their best was not good enough, especially if they traumatized you to the point of having a no-contact parental relationship.
Forgive on Your Timeline
Forgiveness is earned but when it comes to parenting, children are often expected to do the emotional work of fixing a no-contact parental relationship. But why is this the case when the parent chooses to have the child? Once parents choose to bring a child into this world, it is their responsibility to ensure they do everything in their capacity to guide and nurture the child indefinitely. Unfortunately, society’s understanding of parenting is that it ends once the child is 18 or old enough to move out. However, parenting never ends; even when children become adults and have their own kids, they may still need parental guidance.
Since children do not bring themselves into this world, the responsibility lies on the parents to make amends with their no-contact children. You should not feel pressured to forgive and forget, especially if your absent parent is not doing the internal work needed to understand how they harmed you. Forgiveness should happen on your timeline, however long that may take. If forgiveness and potentially reconnecting with your absent parent is helpful for your mental health, then doing that emotional work will be beneficial. However, if forgiveness means overlooking your trauma to make peace, then maybe you are not ready to reconnect with your no-contact parent. Ultimately, the answer depends on whether both you and your parents are ready and willing to do the emotional work. If they happen to be ready and you are not that is completely valid. You may never be ready to reconnect and that is ok.
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