Doechii has been trending due to her iconic looks at Paris Fashion Week and her recent performance with the legendary Lauren Hill. Despite the positive attention she has been receiving, a video of her saying straight men are her biggest red flag while dating, recently went viral. The video has sparked controversy, especially amongst some straight men who felt personally offended by Doechii’s remarks. This resulted in online conversations surrounding how dating preferences, double standards, and biphobia show up in our romantic pursuits.
Doechii is an artist who has been very vocal about her bisexuality. Even though she has a girlfriend, she has expressed that she is open to dating bisexual men in past interviews. Her song, “Denial is River,” details her romantic experience of discovering her straight boyfriend was cheating on her with another man. Some people speculate that this is at the root of why Doechii is avoiding straight men altogether. Others feel like she should not have slandered straight men, but instead, should have expressed her preference for dating queer men.
Heteronormativity, the idea that being straight is society’s preferred sexual orientation, played a big role into how some people responded to Doechii’s statement. Some straight men claimed that Doechii is an industry plant who is being used to push the, “gay agenda,” of turning women gay. Others contended that Doechii is playing into gender wars and further pushing her fan base to antagonize men by promoting the, “men are trash,” movement. These responses highlight the fragility of straight men who are used to being the center of dating preferences. They are experiencing discomfort with the idea that a woman would opt out of choosing them. It raises the question, why are there double standards for queer people who have a particular dating preference?
Dating preference should be interrogated because it is a political choice. Whoever you choose as a romantic partner reflects who you are as a person. Due to heteronormativity, we are conditioned by society to gravitate towards straight partnerships and streer clear from queerness altogether. This is why being openly and visibly queer is a resistance against the status quo and often met with queerphobia, the systemic discrimination against queer people.
As a bisexual woman, Doechii is vulnerable to biphobia, the discrimination against people who are attracted to more than one gender. Biphobia disproportionately impacts women, who are often at high risk for intimate partner violence and struggle with mental health issues. Bisexual women are often fetishized and hyper-sexualized, which makes them prone to sexual harassment. Within the LGBTQIA+ community, they also experience biphobia due to the belief that they are being performative about their sexuality, resulting in alienation among other queer folks. These are important factors to consider when interrogating why Doechii views straight men as a dating red flag.
Biphobia also exists among men, who frequently face harsh judgment in the dating scene. Some straight women hesitate to date bisexual men because they are perceived as sexually deviant or secretly gay. The belief that bisexual men are more likely to cheat or are confused about their sexuality due to their attraction to multiple genders arises from biphobia. Additionally, there’s a double standard: while women can date other women freely, it’s often regarded as socially unacceptable for men. This dynamic leads some bisexual men to remain closeted and face inauthentic dating experiences due to limitations with fully embracing their sexuality.
Authentic dating requires intentionally challenging how your dating preferences are rooted in isms (classism, racism, etc) and phobias. Not only does it liberate your dating experience, but it helps you understand how power dynamics show up in romantic partnerships. For example, Doechii excluding straight men from her dating pool is not the same as a straight man excluding darkskin women from his dating pool. The former is rooted in a queer woman avoiding the potential harm that comes with queerphobia, while the latter is rooted in colorism, a disdain against darkskin people.
The assumption that Doechii is inciting hate against straight men is feigned ignorance. It’s a forced victimization of their fragile masculinity because, “how dare she,” not align with heteronormativity? It okay for them to apply isms and phobias in the name of a, “preference,” but it’s a double standard when a queer woman does the same. The discomfort some straight men experienced due to being excluded from Doechii’s dating pool should serve as a reminder that it is a daily lived experience for queer people.
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