Choosing Single Motherhood: 3 Mothers Share Their Experience

In a world in which women are judged for every choice they make, the decision to become mothers — and how mothers choose to do so — is at the forefront of politics, social media, and everyday life. Two years ago, journalist Isha Sesay made headlines when she wrote an essay on going through in-vitro fertilization and having her first child. She made the choice to have her child at 46 and she’s single, something she wrote she never would have expected for herself. Most single mothers by choice say the same thing. 

After dating for years without finding “the one,” Kristina Kage was thinking more and more about starting her own family, rather than finding someone to start it with. 

“I really wanted a family, like my whole life,” Kage said. “I did a whole lot of dating, trying to find the right partner and I met a lot of duds along the way … or non-matches.”

So Kage decided to go through artificial insemination treatment. Difficulties came because she was entering her 40s. But, “it’s time,” she decided. “It’s now or never.” 

While our “biological clocks” could have more time now than they did for our mothers and grandmothers — especially with innovations in fertility medicine — putting your body through the harsh realities of hormone treatments and inseminations can take its toll. It did for Kage.

In the end, she says it was manifestation that helped her pregnancy take and deliver her twins, over two years ago. She found that people online connected a lot with her YouTube video about manifestation. 

“I like being a mom. I’ve learned a lot about myself,” she shared about motherhood. “I’m really happy and proud of myself for going through it … I feel like [my kids] are extra loved,” because of the length and difficulty of the process to have them. 

CasSandra Lujan faced similar challenges over her 10-year journey to have kids on her own. She was on the cusp of 38 when she and her then-partner were exploring options for kids. But when the relationship broke down, Lujan still wanted kids. 

“I didn’t see myself as solo,” she said.

She wanted five kids — and still does. Lujan has a large family and growing up, cousins were around all the time: She wanted that for her future and her hypothetical kids, too. When her relationship ended, she was still set up with the process of artificial insemination, so she decided to move forward. It took multiple tries to get pregnant and in July 2022, she finally found out she was pregnant with her son.

Hearing the pitter-patter of the feet on the floor is just more than enough happiness to fill my heart.”

CasSandra Lujan

“Hearing the pitter-patter of the feet on the floor is just more than enough happiness to fill my heart,” she said. “[It’s] complete happiness, complete love, complete everything.”

Now, Lujan is pregnant again. While she doesn’t know that her 40-year-old body can handle three more pregnancies to expand her family, she’s looking into other ways to bring more children into her life — she’s still hoping for five kids and she may adopt after this pregnancy.

“I wanted this huge family and because it took me so long to even get here, you know, I’m not sure I’m going to succeed in having my five children,” she said. “But I can succeed in other ways of having my five children.”

After the struggles of getting pregnant and wanting it for so long, she realized, “I am capable of anything. It doesn’t matter who, what, where, when, why. If I put my mind to it, I can definitely do it.”

While Lujan was going through that bad breakup but continuing on with her pregnancy plans, she was forced to get lawyers involved to ensure that her child would be hers. The involvement of lawyers, legal processes — and a whole lot of money — seems to be a common thread while becoming a single mother by choice. 

Smith, the founder of SMBC Resources, now 47, spent years investing money, time, and legal resources into her journey to adopt a child. Adoption is an “intrusive and vulnerable place to be in,” Smith explained.

The process was difficult for Smith: Beginning in 2020, her journey included multiple years, almost $80,000, several lawyers, and indescribable heartache.

Smith faced several difficulties as she attempted to move forward with the adoption agency she found. Though the agency promised the world, she found herself without guidance throughout her experience. The first woman she matched with lived in California and, according to California laws, Smith was made to pay financial support while the woman was pregnant. But the child’s father got involved and eventually, Smith’s lawyers told her to cut contact. 

“This is heartbreaking for me,” she told the match. “I can’t keep going down this path, my dream of becoming a mother is ending here.”

It took matches with two more mothers that went badly before Smith was finally matched with a toddler in Michigan. She was about to start the drive to meet him when the agency told her that her paperwork was no longer valid and it needed to be renewed — she had to get a new home study done, a new background check, as well as other paperwork required by law. By “the grace of God,” as she explained it, she somehow got all of her paperwork ready, partially because of the help of a security guard who happened to be a foster mother. 

But she was still worried that something else would go wrong and that she would not come home from Michigan with a child. “In 16 months, to go through four matches — it’s a rollercoaster of emotions,” she said.

After the stress of ensuring a smooth legal process before meeting the child, and a very long drive through the night, Smith made it to Michigan and met the toddler. Because the adoption agency was still giving no guidance, the two mothers followed explanations and instructions they had read online to ensure a smooth transition for the child. After giving the toddler time to get to know Smith, and for both the mother and child to be comfortable with Smith, documents were exchanged, some paperwork was signed, and Smith and her new son drove home together.

Even with all of the stress and intensity of the process to pick up this child, Smith brought him home with her that same week, back in 2022. Smith agreed with her son’s birth mother that their relationship would not end when Smith adopted him. The two mothers will be bonded for life. And while the adoption has not been fully completed, Smith’s dream of becoming a mother has been.

Though she says, “family is family,” the journey to creating her own family was full of heartache. This led her to found SMBC Resources, an organization to help mothers through a journey that has no guidance. These are the kinds of resources she needed when she was going through the process. 

The support groups that stemmed from Smith’s organization are what brought mothers Kage and Lujan to share their stories. 

“Becoming a mother, no matter what route you take, has its ups and downs,” Smith said, giving advice to other mothers in her place. “You never have to go through that journey alone.”

You never have to go through that journey alone.”

Régine Smith

“Don’t worry about what other people think,” Lujan said. “Your life is for yourself.”

The Future for Mothers

Though Lujan, Smith, and Kage each experienced their own unique path to motherhood, all three mothers share a common want to focus on maintaining rights for mothers like them; rights of mothers are at the center of political conversations ahead of the upcoming Presidential election.

“It’s important to keep the conversation around family equity at the forefront of decisions that we’re making … at the forefront of policies that could be implemented in the future,” Smith said. “The right to become and be a mother is a God-given right. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever done, it’s the happiest I’ve ever, ever, ever been … Let’s not forget the women’s right to choose to have a family.”