Have you ever been in the heat of an argument with your significant other and felt like they weren’t hearing a thing you said? You aren’t alone — many people have a hard time communicating with their partner. But communication is the heart of supporting and promoting a healthy and fulfilling relationship. While communication barriers in relationships are common, they are avoidable with the right methods. So the next time tensions rise, try these strategies to de-escalate conflict and improve communication with your partner.
Stop Assuming They’re the Problem
When conflict arises, we tend to jump to the conclusion that the other person is wrong or the problem. This approach to conflict sets a defensive and divided environment which disables effective communication. Instead, try acknowledging your partner’s humanity (i.e. acknowledge they have feelings, goals, flaws, etc.) first and then acknowledge your own humanity.
Identify Each Other’s Needs
There are three simple ways to identify your partner’s and your needs: ask them what the problem is, observe and inquire about their emotions through body language, tone, and verbal responses, and work as a team to establish how each other’s needs can be met.
Listen To Understand, Not To Respond
Dr. Nancy Eberhardt, an Organizational Psychologist and author, suggests that listening to understand and not to refute or rebuttal is vital for healthy conflict. An easy way to combat this habit is to intentionally remind yourself that your partner’s words are not (always) a personal attack, and to observe their perspective unbiasedly. This method eliminates defensive remarks and rising tensions and can contribute to an open-minded environment.
Use “I” Statements
Using “I” statements in conflict looks like speaking from one’s experience, like saying, “I feel like I’m not being understood,” instead of saying, “You don’t listen to me,” or “You make me feel unheard.” In a communication experiment, results demonstrate that using “I” statements as well as perspective helps minimize hostility and defensive responses. The use of “I” statements can successfully express emotions while also maintaining a loving, open, and calm conversation.
Brainstorm Solutions Together
The best way to lessen a tense conversation or conflict is to collaboratively come up with solutions to the problem at hand. Obviously, this is not the first step to take when addressing conflict, as talking and listening should be done before making solutions. However, after feelings have been expressed, it is necessary to acknowledge that this is not a win-or-lose type of conflict — everyone should feel some type of win in the end. To ensure this is the case, generate every possible solution that could help solve the conflict and analyze each one. By brainstorming with radical openness, you allow both parties to have input into the solution and you’ll grow together as you work together.
Growing with Communication
Communication is the basis of every and any relationship, which is why exploring methods and strategies to strengthen your communication enhances the quality and fulfillment of a relationship. While conflict is never fun or easy, these methods can help ease the tension and eliminate defensiveness the next time you face a communication barrier with your partner.
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