“Are You My First?” and Fast-Tracking Sexual Maturity

Sexuality is deeply ingrained in our cultural consciousness. It largely appears in our advertising, mainstream media, and daily social media timelines. Fortunately, we’ve largely centered modern conversations about sexuality around openness, positivity, and fluidity. However, our perception of sexual growth is much more skewed. Many see virginity as a burden, something that must be shed quickly to achieve maturity and avoid being an outcast. Hulu’s upcoming dating show, Are You My First?, acts as an interesting view into that culture of fast-tracking sexual maturity.

What Is “Are You My First?”

Hosted by Colton Underwood and Kaitlyn Bristowe, Are You My First? stars twenty-one virgins in search of their first partner. According to E! News, our v-card-holding contestants come from all walks of life, including “a tour guide and stand-up comedian from Austin, Texas…a web developer from Provo, Utah…and an NFL cheerleader from New Orleans….” Despite their different backgrounds, virginity is what they seek to abandon. Per the show’s official synopsis, the main questions are, “Who will find that special someone? And who will go home hot, bothered, and heartbroken?” The goal is to fabricate environments and scenarios in which these people can experience their first.

But therein lies the issue: seeing virginity and a single status as things in need of fixing. Whether or not they’re truly virgins, the show may push a problematic agenda about virginity. By creating entertainment out of intimacy and inexperience, virginity becomes the punchline. It’s no longer a natural part of our sexual growth, but rather a wall that prevents social acceptance. It’s as if peak sexual maturity is a requirement for real love and a healthy relationship.

The show may also televise the insecurities of sexually inexperienced viewers. If these attractive, charismatic contestants were doomed to virginity before the show, what hope is there for virgin viewers at home? For watchers whose abstinence is an intentional choice, whether it be due to religious beliefs, personal trauma, or otherwise, the show could reinforce the idea that their loyalty to virginity is the “loser” choice. Regardless of the show’s intent, the concept of virginity in Are You My First? carries a level of public shame with it, something reality television is unfortunately good at highlighting.

Virginity As a Burden

Unfortunately, “ Are You My First? didn’t create the idea that virginity is a burden; it’s just a product of our societal insecurities. In a 2018 article, the BBC published the story of “Joseph,” who was a virgin until age 37. In his story, Joseph explains how he “experienced a sense of shame, and…felt stigmatized.” He ponders the depth of his loneliness and how his inability to socialize as quickly as people around him destroyed his self-esteem.

He offers a telling perspective, saying, “It may not be true that society judges people for not having sex. But I think when anything is perceived to be outside of normal, then it’s liable to be seen as deviant…Most of my friends had girlfriends. I watched from the sidelines while they were starting relationships and, later, getting married. That had a corrosive effect on my self-esteem….”

This is what Are You My First? has the power to push. It can reinforce the idea that virginity means you’re behind, undesirable, maybe even beyond help. Fearing virginity, we’ve culturally agreed that we must fast-track our sexual maturity. We must have our “first time” as fast as possible, at the risk of being a “loser.” Instead of navigating sexuality naturally, sex becomes about urgency and pressure to fit in.

Is it the responsibility of a reality show to act morally? No, of course not! The goal of reality television is to entertain. However, Joseph’s struggle with virgin shame most likely speaks to a broader experience within a culture that equates quick intimacy with self-worth.

Intimacy for a Viewing Audience

Are You My First? isn’t the first time reality TV has created a spectacle out of intimacy. In an infamous clip from the Spanish reality dating show La Isla de las Tentaciones, contestant José Carlos Montoya watched as his girlfriend Anita Williams “became intimate” with another man on a TV screen. The moment went viral on social media, as his over-the-top, anguished screaming and running across the beach made for comedic gold.

While it birthed funny memes, it felt too deeply personal, intimate, and traumatizing a moment to broadcast to millions of people. These are the same type of moments that Are You My First? will seek to replicate. As a reality show, the entertainment value comes from contestant drama, often seeing them at their lowest. It becomes especially problematic when it’s people’s virginity at play. What should be a deeply intimate and important moment in one’s sexual growth is now being fast-tracked within a controlled environment to create spectacle.

Is the Show Morally Corrupt?

It feels a little harsh to say that the show is intentionally predatory. At its core, a reality dating show is designed for clicks and ratings, not to push creepy ideologies about virginity and love. However, one would be valid in criticizing its complicity. Like it or not, it participates in a culture that enjoys rushing sexual maturity. We put growth on a deadline, and it leaves our insecurities to fester.

For all we know, though, it could be wholly entertaining! We’ll just have to see what it offers when it premieres on August 18.