A recent viral tweet about the treatment of Black women in the workplace sparked a thread of responses from Black women who felt seen. The tweet referenced the “pet to-threat” experience, where a Black woman’s opinion is initially valued and sought after, only for her to suddenly receive passive-aggressive energy from her co-workers. This experience is rooted in tokenism, the hiring of qualified people from marginalized backgrounds only for the optics without any intention of actual inclusivity. The same scenario also shows up in friendship dynamics, especially for Black women who are mainly in white spaces or have non-Black friends. Here’s a rundown of what tokenism in friendships might look like and some helpful tips for Black women who may encounter these dynamics in their own lives.
What Does Tokenism Look Like?
A great example of tokenism in friendships is when non-Black individuals use African American Vernacular English or engage in Black mannerisms to connect to Black women. The intention might be harmless, but it ignores the harmful stereotype of cosplaying Black women for shock value. When non-Black friends are called out for such behavior, they can resort to using their proximity to your Blackness as an excuse for their behavior. In this instance, you become the “token” friend whose Blackness is used as a currency.
Another scenario is the expectation of how Black women should act, feel, and respond to situations. Rage is an emotion that Black women have been forced to suppress in society. This informs the way we engage in friendships, because non-Black people may subconsciously police our tone. We may not realize this is happening because we have been conditioned to cater to everyone else’s needs at the expense of our emotions. If you do not respond accordingly, then you may start experiencing passive-aggressive energy from your non-Black friends. Here are some helpful tips to remember if you find yourself in such situations.
Recognize Power Dynamics in Friendships
Like romantic relationships, power dynamics also exist in friendships. Understanding your positionality as a Black woman is the first step to unpacking how power shows up in your friendships. Positionality describes how a person’s social identities intersect to influence how they view and experience society. It considers multiple factors that impact your life experience such as race, sex, gender, class, ability, citizenship status, etc. Understanding your positionality in relation to that of your friends will help you recognize racial biases that lead to tokenism. It will also allow you to recognize your privilege and empathize with other marginalized communities that you don’t belong to.
Set Boundaries With Yourself
Learning to say no to whatever brings you discomfort as a Black woman can be very difficult due to societal conditioning. However, once you acknowledge power dynamics, letting go of people-pleasing habits is the next step. You cannot set boundaries with others if you are unable to do it for yourself. This means learning to sit in the uncomfortable feeling you get when you say no to situations that do not serve you. Doing this will help your friends recognize the toxic behavior habits that bring you discomfort and adjust as needed. If your non-Black friends truly value who you are as a person, then they will prioritize your needs without forcing you to coddle their emotions. A lack of behavior change from your friends can be an indication that they only see you as a “token.”
Evaluate Your Friendships
If you constantly go through racially charged experiences in your friend groups despite calling out the behavior, you should evaluate your friendships. Friendships should serve as a communal support system to sustain us, not cause us mental distress. Therefore, questioning whether your friendships cause you more mental trauma instead of emotional support is a good start. Building community through friendships is an important part of our foundation and survival in this world. If you did not grow up in mainly Black spaces, then you are forced to seek friendships among the people around you who are likely white or non-Black. However, your friendships reflect who you are as a person — if you don’t like the reflection that you see, adjustments are needed. As a Black woman, it is important to be secure enough in yourself to trust that the right friendships will find you without having to change your identity.
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