Whether you’re in a long term relationship or have been single your whole life, we all have a tendency to outsource expectations around relationships from media representations. It’s very normal to model behavior, and oftentimes we do this subconsciously. But a problem arises when popular media normalizes or even glamorizes unhealthy relationships. We’ve gotten slightly better at identifying toxic relationship patterns in the media, but depictions of codependency have remained insidious and largely unquestioned.
What is codependency?
Codependency describes a relationship dynamic where one person sacrifices all their needs to receive love or validation from the other. When someone is codependent, they operate under the idea that “if you’re good, I’m good, and if you’re not good, I’m not good” — meaning that their own well-being hinges on how the other person is doing. By placing one’s value on how well you can fulfill that caregiver role, your own feelings, wants, and identity fade away. Naturally, resentment can build up over time — but the internal obligation (and outside expectations) that a codependent person feels perpetuates the pattern.
This dynamic isn’t limited to romantic partnerships; codependency also shows up in friendships or among family members.
Signs of codependency
- The tendency to focus on someone else’s problems rather than your own
- Fear of abandonment
- Needing to control someone else’s emotions or choices if they’re not taking care of themselves
- People pleasing
- Feeling guilty about setting boundaries or expressing your own needs
- Aiming for perfection in order to get approval
- Avoiding any sort of confrontation
- Having a sense of responsibility for other people’s problems
- Trouble making decisions without another person
Examples of codependency in the media
Movie: Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast starts by portraying Belle as headstrong and independent. She has her own identity, which includes her love for books, and denies Gaston’s advances. But when she meets the Beast, her main goal becomes to appease and love him unconditionally. The spell requires Belle and the Beast to fall in love or else he will die. Belle gave up everything to make the Beast a better man, and in the process, lost her own identity.
TV Show: Gilmore Girls
At a first look, Lorelei and Rory seem to be mother-daughter goals. It’s true – their bond is special. But as the show progresses, it’s clear that Lorelei is more Rory’s best friend than she is her mother. Their codependency began when Rory was born and Lorelei named Rory after herself (Rory’s full name is Lorelei). The mother-daughter duo are so connected at the hip that they don’t have much of an identity without the other. Rory’s first date with one of her boyfriends, Dean, even consisted of sitting in the family room with Lorelei. Even as Rory matured, her mother didn’t encourage her to make her own decisions, like choosing where to attend college. Lorelei was Rory’s biggest supporter of her childhood dream of attending Harvard. But when Rory decided to attend Yale due to her relationship with her grandfather, who was a Yale alum, Lorelei couldn’t put her own baggage with her father aside to support Rory’s decision.
Song: “Cinnamon Girl” by Lana Del Rey
This Lana Del Rey song is about being in a codependent relationship with an addict. In the song, Del Rey is trying to get close to her partner despite him putting up walls. Her desperately trying to change him and feel seen by him only causes her own needs to fade away, as described in the lyrics, “There’s things I wanna say to you / But I’ll just let you live” and “There’s things I wanna talk about / But better not to give.”
The media’s tendency to glamorize unhealthy relationship dynamics can make it hard to grapple with our own interpersonal life. Just remember: True love —romantic, platonic, or familial — is not an abnegation of self. You deserve to be seen, accepted, and cared for in your relationships.
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