Something has changed within us in the last couple of weeks since we were graced by Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande‘s new film, Wicked. While thrilled by this eclectic backstory to The Wizard of Oz; you may also have been touched by the effects of friendship challenges and awakened by memories of your own girlhood or long-lost friends. We love to love the glamour and glitz of Wicked and we’ve all had the songs stuck in our head all week, but there is so much more emotion underneath the twinkling tulips and extravagant Emerald City than we may have thought.
Not only do elements of the new Wicked movie grapple with societal polarities and the idea of identity and self acceptance, but they also exhibit a whirlwind friendship as this tale follows the life and death of Glinda and Elphaba’s friendship. Their friendship had a competitive nature and could even be seen as somewhat toxic by those who have healed from similar friendships. Just as Glinda and Elphaba are pinned against each other by Madame Morrible or Fiyero, women in modern day society are often pinned against each other, and you may have experienced this before in your own friendships.
Not to mention, Glinda has an elitist aura and savior complex with her implication that Elphaba ‘needs her’ to be popular and successful – while in reality, Glinda is using Elphaba for personal gain. This wicked friendship dynamic is one that you may have felt from time to time – and may have even led to one of your own friendship breakups. Coming from different backgrounds, Glinda and Elphaba have very different approaches to their adjustment at Shiz University. Elphaba is very humble and selfless, with her intention to prioritize looking out for her sister, Nessa Rose, while Glinda intends to solely make connections for her future, find the boy, and essentially dominate Shiz. The power struggle that can persist in friendships can become very unhealthy and cause the friendship to intensify too quickly or for actions to be taken against each other that will ultimately make it falter. In a power struggle circumstance, friends can either decide to grow together and evolve from it with communication and caution – or, decide to go two separate ways – and sometimes, just one decides, severing the friendship for both parties.
Some Wicked viewers may have shed a tear from feeling seen. Others may have even shed a tear at the end during Elphaba and Glinda’s grand cadence that builds up to the finale, “Defying Gravity,” during which they each made their ultimate choice that would lead them down very different paths – a declaration that breached their friendship – for good.
This scene may have tugged on your heartstrings if you’ve ever been through a friendship breakup before. Friendship breakups can be just as painful as romantic breakups. There’s the same initial sadness or anger- but then the frustration that comes with the “Why?” and the reminiscing, and the reeling of how you might be able to change something or what went wrong between y’all. It can definitely feel like a part of you is missing or it can even feel insulting – especially if harsh words were exchanged to the point of no return. It can also be a huge shift in your life – a hole left in their absence when they used to fill so much of your time with hangouts and phone calls, especially if it’s the person you confided in.
Surviving a Wicked Friendship Breakup
Sometimes, friendships are toxic and need to end – even if you might not see it in the moment. It may even be the negativity that someone brings to the table, that eats you up inside and takes over you over time. There are instances in which you may just reach an impasse or naturally grow apart, which can be much less painful, but still an uncomfortable shift. Either way, you are not alone in your rumination. Friendships can end over a number of different things from misunderstandings to differing politics or world views, or just wanting different lifestyles. Also, big life changes can play a part, or sometimes people change. Important things to remember in a friendship breakup are who you are deep down, without that friend; your values and your inner being, the hobbies you love, and the supportive people you can continue to surround yourself with in their wake. Therapy can also be incredibly helpful to process this change especially if you lose a best friend.
Friendship Priorities
Two friends in different eras of life might have extremely differing priorities that affect the outcome of their friendship. It’s very admirable to have stuck by a friend’s side if their priorities have changed for the better, even if their priorities shift off of you; such as prioritizing significant others or saving money versus purchasing tickets to Mexico for your annual girl’s trip – which are natural progressions we have probably all grown through, but major kudos to you if you have stayed in friendships when a friend’s priorities have changed for the worse. It can be incredibly difficult to watch a friend make poor decisions for themselves or repeatedly make choices that negatively affect those around them. In this case, it would be more than understandable to take a break from that friendship or move on from it. It can be admirable to stay by their side and try to encourage them but don’t forget to prioritize YOU. Sometimes people have to have their own wake-up call to want to change and nothing you say or do can snap them out of it, so you need to do what’s best for you and have a sense of when it might be time to seek out other healthier friendships.
Mental Health Experiences in Friendship Breakups
Similarly, mental health maintenance can play a huge part in whether a friendship will continue or wilt. If one’s mental health issues, or lack of concern for their own mental well-being causes them to exhibit irrational behaviors or causes them to say hurtful things, it can be a painful experience for the receiving party. This is another situation in which you can encourage your friend to get the help they may need and process alongside them, but they have to decide to try therapy or to seek medical help on their own. If you stick it out and stay by their side, just ensure to care for yourself while caring for them – and remember: boundaries. It is ok to walk away when it becomes detrimental to your mental health. Alternatively, you may have a friend who self-isolates when they are experiencing depression which may make you feel cast aside when in actuality, they are processing or taking space to move through the depression alone – or, you might be that friend who prefers to be alone while moving through a rut. Communication is always key but is especially helpful in conversations surrounding mental health within a friendship to ensure security and to have an understanding of when the other needs space.
@blacklovepodnetwork Let’s talk about friendship fallouts 😫 Losing a sister-level friend can be just as gut-wrenching as a romantic breakup, maybe even more so. It’s messy, it’s painful, and it’s downright complicated 💔 Our girl Melanie Fiona knows all about this, and she’s traded in anger for compassion and understanding for someone who was once her rock. So, how ‘bout you? Ever been through a friendship breakup? Spill the tea in the comments! And don’t forget to tune in to The Mama’s Den wherever you get your podcasts!🎙️
♬ original sound – Black Love Podcast Network
Healing from a Friendship Breakup
If your best friend of many years suddenly de-friends you out of nowhere with no excuse, which unfortunately happens often amongst twenty-somethings going their separate ways, it could very likely have nothing to do with you at all. However, it still hurts. If it is a them thing, you may not even get closure which can be so tough. You might not even understand what went down until years later. It could even be something they’re not willing to talk about having to do with their mental health. When this happens, it can help to journal or reach out to other friends to process it, as it can feel like a difficult loss. Rather than wracking your brain to figure out what happened, you can reach out or extend an apology if you feel necessary, but then it’s time to try and let go. You don’t want to keep pouring energy into someone that doesn’t reciprocate it. It can be more painful to stay in a friendship when the other person does not put in the same effort than to leave.
Just like a romantic breakup, you don’t want to compromise yourself to keep on giving for a friend that’s not appreciating you – and it’s important to remember your self-worth. You may not have answers at the time the friendship ends as to what went wrong, but if you set your focus on you and your needs, your hobbies, and your goals it will help to move out of the post friendship heartbreak. Just as Elphaba and Glinda are extremely different, sometimes two friends may be also. It’s not a bad thing and you may even complement one another’s differences – but while this isn’t what drove Glinda and Elphaba apart, it can eventually cause some friends to part. It’s just important to remember what makes you unique and to know that your gifts and skills cannot be measured by others’ perceptions of you. The kindness or light that you emit cannot be dimmed by another’s negativity or your elimination from their life.
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