Chappel Roan was recently a guest on, Call Her Daddy, podcast and she commented on how life looks miserable for her friends who are parents. This has sparked a public conversation about the joys of motherhood and the glorification of it. Some mothers found Chappel’s comments insensitive and expressed how mothers get limited safe spaces to vent about their hardships. Others affirmed that motherhood is not always roses and daisies, which needs to be acknowledged. Let’s unpack the dangers of romanticizing motherhood and the importance of providing systemic resources to support parents.
Romanticizing a Baby Is Different Than Raising a Child
Due to patriarchy, women have been conditioned to aspire motherhood as a rite of passage into womanhood. This results in some women believing that motherhood is a necessity instead of an option. Society pressures them into something they never desired, and they are forced to deal with the repercussions of raising a child. Luckily, we live in a more progressive time where women have more agency over their bodies. This has sparked more open conversations about the difficulties of pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, and women potentially losing themselves in motherhood.
Going through pregnancy is a health risk, especially when the US maternal mortality rate is exceptionally high compared to other developed nations globally. To make matters worse, Black women are three times more likely to face maternal mortality risks than white women. If you are fortunate enough to make it through pregnancy and have a safe delivery, then the postpartum period can bring its own challenges. While not everyone experiences postpartum depression, adjusting to motherhood takes an emotional, mental, physical, and financial toll on a person.
Romanticizing a baby because you view them as an accessory or want a mini version of yourself is very different from raising a child. It’s easy to romanticize a baby shower or a newborn baby, because of their cuteness, but people rarely talk about how your time, essentially, no longer belongs to you. It’s also easy for friends and loved ones to encourage you to have a baby, but are they willing to offer holistic support and be your village during motherhood?
Some parents believe that parenting ends once the child is 18-years-old, but parenting is a lifetime commitment. This is why honestly questioning your motives for having a child is crucial. Beyond the financial limitations of raising a child, are you genuinely interested in nurturing and supporting whoever your child chooses to be?
Parents Deserve Support Systems
The high U.S. maternal mortality rate affirms the lack of systemic support systems in place to make the process easier for parents. Some mothers who responded to Chappel’s comments expressed that they love their kids, but hate how our environment makes it difficult to raise them. This can make the motherhood experience extremely challenging, especially for single mothers who have no support systems. Patriarchy also assumes that domestic work such as child rearing is the sole responsibility of mothers. As a result, even in marriage, it is easy for women to feel like single parents because their husband’s sole responsibility is financial support.
The lack of access to universal healthcare is a big factor that impacts maternal mortality rates and how women experience motherhood. Low-income women who are pregnant and uninsured are more vulnerable to a lack of access to prenatal and postpartum care. The U.S. also doesn’t have a federally mandated paid maternity leave period. This forces new mothers to have to quickly return to work at the expense of their holistic well-being. In addition, childcare can be extremely costly, making it inaccessible to mothers who are struggling financially.
These systemic factors can be managed with free access to health care which should fully cover maternal care, and having a mandated paid maternity leave that ensures mothers are receiving adequate postpartum care and don’t return to work until they are ready. In addition, investing in social services that provide access to free childcare and recreational programs for kids is needed.
Children Are the Most Vulnerable Population
Motherhood can still be a difficult experience even with all the financial access and support systems needed to raise your child. Some parents have an idea of who they want their unborn children to be, because they see children as an extension of themselves. This expectation can easily be shattered when your child becomes completely different than the person you romanticized. As a result, parenting can feel resentful if you are unwilling to fully accept your child.
Children are the most vulnerable population in our society, because they have limited rights and must rely on their parents to make decisions for them. They are practically viewed as property whose autonomy doesn’t matter. Since they are clothed, fed, and housed by their parents, they are expected to follow their rules, even if they don’t agree with them. Some parents still believe hitting kids is a necessary form of discipline. Others are willing to overlook their children being abused by family members. Some force their kids to be married, because rape culture is so normalized and child marriage is still legal in 37 U.S. states.
While Chappel’s commentary on parents could have been delivered more delicately, her overall point about the exhaustion of parenting stands. Regardless of whether you choose to be child-free, or want kids, it is our responsibility to work towards children’s rights and create a better society where they can fully thrive.
Child-free people should unpack any biases they have against children. Kids are innocent beings who didn’t choose to come into this world, so any anger towards them is misplaced. Similarly, women should question their motive for pursuing motherhood. Is it based on society or your true desire? Are you actually ready to be a parent when you are unable to accept your child if they are queer, disabled, fat, dark-skinned, or want to pursue a different career path?
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