Have you ever made a half-serious pact with your bestie to settle down together if neither of you find The One? For Gen Z, this notion is becoming more and more appealing as the expense of living looms over us. The term “lavender marriage” has been making a comeback in online spaces, with its definition repurposed to mean a platonic marriage between two friends.
The original meaning of lavender marriage
“Lavender marriage” isn’t a new phrase–it’s been around since the early 1900s, but meant something completely different. The term’s original usage was within LGBTQ+ communities, and it was used to describe a marriage between a man and a woman where one (or both) partner(s) is gay.
The progression of LGBTQ+ rights and recognition is still very new–gay marriage hasn’t even been legal in the US for a decade–and so non het/cis people have been historically forced to navigate the world while hiding their identity for survival. In that context, lavender marriages were a way for LGBTQ+ people to combat family and societal pressures to conform to heterosexual norms.
Reimagining lavender marriages
The resurgence of the concept of lavender marriages is not specific to sexuality. It’s a broader term to describe a union between two people with a platonic relationship. A friends-with-benefits situation, if you will–except instead of occasional mediocre 3 AM hookups, you’re getting financial benefits and friendly companionship.
You may be asking: why not just get a roommate? For lavender marriage advocates, the difference is the benefits that come with a legal marriage, which include (but are not limited to) shared housing and food costs, communal childrearing responsibilities, tax breaks, better health outcomes, and the long-term security that comes with saying “I do”.
Being in a lavender marriage doesn’t necessarily mean your opportunity for finding romance is over–some people who are platonically married agree to date outside of the marriage. No relationship dynamic, romantic or platonic, is the same; the only general baseline of what makes a lavender marriage under the repurposed understanding is its function of utility.
What does marriage even mean?
The institution of marriage is looked at much differently today than it was even a few decades ago. Today, marriage isn’t uniformly regarded as necessary to be complete and happy. Less than 1 in 5 Americans today believe that marriage is essential to have a fulfilling life. People are waiting until they’re older to tie the knot, and some long-term relationships decide to never fill out a marriage contract.
Part of this changing social landscape has to do with the intended function of marriage. Historically, it was viewed as a protection for women where the man provided financially. That framing is rather obsolete in today’s culture as women are gaining more independence. As of 2021, there are about 3.1 million more women than men in college. Marriage is no longer a social necessity for women. Additionally, high divorce rates may be a deterrent for those tying the knot.
The appeal of lavender marriages shouldn’t be taken to mean that traditional marriage is a thing of the past. It’s definitely a goal for many people to find love and settle down, but the uncertainty of when (or if) that will happen makes a platonic union seem like the better option for some people.
Connection, love, and community are important–and you can have that whether you have a traditional marriage, lavender marriage, or don’t get married at all. There’s no right way to do life, and Gen Z is embracing that more and more. Platonic marriages are just as valid and can foster strong bonds–plus, the tax cuts don’t hurt.
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