We’re all guilty of pushing our feelings to the back burner. Maybe you’ve told yourself you’re overreacting in response to a triggering situation, or maybe you’ve swallowed your sadness to focus on what you need to get done. This makes sense; America’s workaholic and individualistic society teaches us to pack down our emotions. However, your emotions are valuable data. Psychologist Susan David unpacks the importance of emotional agility, which is using your feelings as guidance rather than trying to change or control them, in her book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.
Here are three key takeaways from David’s book to get you thinking about ways to practice emotional agility:
Prioritize Small Shifts
When trying to make a change in your life, it can be tempting to approach it with an all-or-nothing mindset. However, studies show that making small tweaks over time to your lifestyle or behavior can drastically enhance your ability to succeed.
For example, if you’re trying to incorporate more exercise into your day-to-day life, trying to go to the gym every day may feel like a good step. However, setting a bigger goal can lead to frustration and burnout quickly. Emotional agility is making a smaller change in your routine, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator every day, which is a lot more doable. This small adjustment is much more likely to bring you to your goal; when the stakes feel smaller, it’s easier to be more forgiving towards yourself and gain momentum to increase your confidence in your own abilities.
Develop Want-To Goals
The way you frame your goals can make all the difference. Instead of making goals about what we have to or should do, we can look at them in terms of things we want to do. If your goal is “I have to clean the house,” you’re more likely to approach it begrudgingly. Framing it as, “I want to live in a clean space” enables you to do the task with your personal wants in mind.
In order for this to work, you have to identify your “why”—your values and interests. Paying attention to your want-tos when taking actions gives you the space to perform to the best of your abilities and be more engaged doing so.
It’s important to note that if you can’t find a want-to, that can be important data for evaluating where you are in your life. Want-to goals shouldn’t be about forcing any decisions or actions; rather, they serve the purpose of making it easier to take the steps that lead to the life you want.
Have a Growth Mindset
Emotional agility requires a growth mindset over a fixed one. A fixed mindset implies that your personality, intelligence, and capabilities are set traits. Someone who has a growth mindset views themselves as able to grow and change. Escaping a fixed mindset requires self-reflection. Be curious about the preconceived ideas you have about yourself and the world and if they’re working against you.
By adopting a growth mindset, you’re giving yourself agency. It’s empowering to grant yourself autonomy over your life instead of giving the power to an outside force. Changing mindsets is a muscle to be built, and it takes a lot of practice to reframe your thoughts. If you make a mistake and you have a fixed mindset, you’ll think “see! I knew I wasn’t smart enough.” A growth mindset will give you a different perspective: this isn’t a reflection of my intelligence, this is a learning opportunity.
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